Anniversary

Today Bob and I would have been married 17 years...no celebration and quite frankly probably no one remembers but me...and that is okay...life goes on...for all of us....how many people's significant days have I missed or forgotten or not thought was important anymore...yet for that person it was still precious.

The house is on the market...the house I moved to and innocently thought I would be here with Bob or somewhere with him till I died...he is gone and now I prep the house for selling.  The hallway where dozens and dozens of photos hung chronicling our life is now empty of those photos...the nail holes are filled in and the walls are painted...there is no trace of any of our history there any longer.  It is as if it never existed.

I signed the papers to put the house on the market almost two weeks ago with a practical attitude but I was hanging on by my fingertips to keep myself composed...Bob was so proud of this place...he worked so hard to get here and here I am just signing to sell it.  It was so so hard to do...I must, it is way to big for me and financially it makes sense...but the emotional part is almost too hard to bear.  I can not talk about it...I actually don't want to talk about anything till I can make some sort of sense of this.  This is mine to bear...no one else's.  I now understand what people mean when they speak about not wanting to move because of memories...I never did...I didn't get it but I sure do now.

What makes it even sadder for me is going to the new house alone and no Bob to talk about the past...everyone moves forward as it should be.  The saving grace for many is their partner is with them on these grand transitions...someone to talk in the middle of night about the past and hopeful future.

Tomorrow the island goes on the market...where we got married.  I told the real estate agent the island could't go till after today...I didn't tell him why...none of his business really.  I suppose I was being sentimental and quite frankly I am glad I am...I have not  hardened up completely.  I know Bob would be honored by this small gesture...he liked symbolism more than me.

I wrote this following just before calling the real estate agent...had it in the queue to post and forgot...still feel the same way...

Soon our house goes on the market...someone recently said after it sells you should take a trip...when writing my random thoughts this was all I could think of -

There isn't a trip or vacation in the world that will stop me from aching or missing you. 

It is an impossibility to be distracted from your loss.  

To change my attitude would seem as if I would be minimizing your existence.  To reach a point where I say you were a chapter in my life not the book would cause me shame. 

I just want you.  I don't know how to stop.  I suppose it's because I don't want to stop. You were everything to me.  

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to find a space in me that doesn't belong to you. A place they can grow in...a place that will overpower you. 

When I die I hope there is a spot on my death certificate under cause to check broken heart. 

So another piece is going...not much more for me to give up...so much gone...

I had what some simply dream of....

I had it all...

Just wished it had lasted a little longer....

Elizabeth

One Year

Random Thoughts 02/02/2011

Yesterday marked one year since my beloved husband died.

So that day has come and gone...it was a day full of memories and honor...honoring a man I loved with my life not just my heart. I did all the things I hoped to do.

I got up, showered and went to the 8AM mass at St. Bernard's...the church where Bob's funeral was held. While I am not Catholic, I love the quietness and solemn stillness of a mass. It is respectful and subdued, the atmosphere I craved. The priest spoke about of all things...the past...not living in the past but living in the now...for if we live in the past we miss so much of the present...did this guy know I was coming? Did he look out and see something written on my forehead saying...this one needs to hear this...or was it simply I am starting to listen to this kind of thing...oh well, another one of those unanswered questions plopped in my lap...either push it away or listen...I chose to listen.

After I left church, I went to the cemetery with flowers for Bob...after placing them in front of the stone...I simply sat there for so long...what else did I have to do...where else did I have to go? This is where I wanted to be...for one year to the day this is the only place I have wanted to be...with Bob...I would have been happy to have my dead body next to him beneath the frozen soil...my soul soaring with him...yet one year to the day I sat next to this granite stone...waiting...just waiting. For well over a year I have waited...for test and biopsy results. Waiting for good news but only getting bad news which keep getting worse every time someone opened their mouth. Waiting in offices, chemo infusion centers, radiation offices, CT scan rooms, bloodwork labs...waiting for the chemo to work...waiting for Bob to get better but he didn't...I have waited in a line at his wake for everyone to pass by and offer their condolences, I have waited next to his coffin to walk down the church aisle for his funeral and I have waited by his grave as the final words were spoken into the icy air as he was laid to rest...I have waited for one solid year to die...so I could see him again...now I sat next to his grave and I am alive and some strange man in a robe explained to me earlier yesterday morning I am missing out on life...a life I am responsible to cobble back together. No one to make it with...a solitary life I never wanted to live...but there are no signs that I am going to join Bob yet...my blood work is always fantastic, the mammogram came back normal, no new symptoms that may indicate trouble is on the horizon...healthy...how could my other half have been so sick, so gravely ill and his other half be so healthy...I mean really how does that happen?

So after leaving the cemetery...I bought one glazed doughnut...oh how Bob loved a glazed doughnut with a small coffee. After leaving the coffee shop, he would reach into that brown paper bag, extract that sugary treat wrapped in a piece of waxed paper and extend that strong arm over to me placing his beloved doughnut to my mouth for the first bite...I always got the first bite...I could have had my own but never did...but the first bite of his belonged to me. I would take a little bite because I didn't want him to lose too much of his treat! So yesterday I took one bite for me and right next to that I took a bite for him...it was delicious, I had forgotten how good it was. I did this In front of his old shop...which stands empty right now...oh how I loved going in there to see him...standing behind the counter, always smiling when I walked in...I honestly couldn't tell you where anything was in that shop because all I ever saw was him...I can not remember a thing about the interior but him standing there...since the shop is locked and empty I could not go in...so I placed that glazed doughnut with two bites out of it at the door...I wonder what people thought when they walked by and saw it...did they know how many memories they were looking at, did they for a moment realize that that doughnut was filled with sadness, loss, grief and despair...how many grief laden things have I passed by not realizing their significance?

I went to Ryan's Park and went to the bridge where we always threw pennies...three pennies. We initially threw them one for his son, one for a personal wish and one for us....I must confess...my one for us penny wish was always the same...I always wished for a long, happy, healthy life together...always...as time passed we changed our reasons for throwing the first penny but two pennies always remained the same...our personal penny and the "our"penny...the last time we stood on that bridge together was after we found out on that fateful afternoon that Bob had cancer and he was being admitted into the hospital that same evening...we raced to that bridge and threw pennies for his life and for our life...we would have thrown every penny we had if it meant saving his life...yesterday I threw three pennies...one for Bob and other for my Dad...wishing and hoping that they are together, that they have found peace and the much needed rest they both deserve...and the last penny was for me...and I wished for what the priest spoke of in the morning...that I always find comfort in the past but that now I have the strength to live in the present so I do not miss out on something wonderful that may be right in front of me.

Elizabeth

Closure

I hate the word closure...it is meaningless to me....things may bring comfort but closure...really? really!!!!

Closure brings to mind...stuffing something in a drawer or closet...closing the door fast so nothing falls out and turning away scurrying off to live life, muttering "Okay that's over"....how can anyone minimize a loved one to that point? Do they really believe it is that easy? Even more confusing to me...people actually admit to having closure....that is unbelievable to me...if I am to believe them then I am stunned at how superficial they are...while I care not to judge or compare...it does leave me stunned and amazed. If they have closure does that mean they never think about the person again....do they not weep for their loss, do they not look back on sweet memories with joy and thankfulness to have had that person in their life...how in the world does one put a person in a closet and close the door....wipe their hand and move on...I revel in my memories...I weep with my memories...I never want to not do that...there is peace and comfort in both the bitter and the sweet....it is these things that made my life full...never boring...never to be hidden or run from...

Even more interesting is finding out who came up with the thought or concept of closure. Can you imagine who that idiot might be...probably some learned academic who supposedly knows so much more than a lowly widow or parent who has lost a child...it is definitely someone who has never experienced loss or who has lost and can not deal with it.

I realize no one can live forever with the initial intensity of loss but grieving can actually be comforting if you allow yourself to go through it rather than run from it. There is a Pink Floyd song titled Comfortably Numb....I have been comfortably numb for some time now and there really is nothing wrong with it as far as I am concerned. If I had sought out closure I would have missed so much since Bob has died. I am better in so many ways since I have allowed grief to control me...I have let grief take me to the bowels of despair, I have wallowed there, I have been enveloped in sorrow and loss, I have let grief have it's way with me...grief will slowly release it's grasp on you...but you must first let it consume you. If you hastily search for this thing called closure how in the world do you mourn then survive a better person.

I do not claim to know what others feel but the more I talk to others in similar circumstances...it is those who have let grief own them for some time that seem comforted to me, they were never lost just comfortably numb for a while....and closure would not have been a good thing because one can ever close off a loved one and quite frankly really who would want to.

Elizabeth

Thoughts

My husband died on February 1st of this year. He was diagnosed with lung cancer. The first question was always "Did you smoke?" So if he said yes...does that mean he was guilty of doing something horrific and deserved this diagnosis. I feel bad for those who have smoked...it is legal and accepted by our country. Our government wants to control how much salt we eat, how much soda we drink, what our children eat in schools, and even stop the use of Christmas trees but they have yet to ban cigarettes...if smoking is so bad why not ban it?

The unanswerable question for us was why did my husband get lung cancer? He never smoked...never....bought a pack when he was a teenager and everyone borrowed them before he had a chance to smoke one. Being the good hearted guy yet frugal guy he was, he thought why buy them if I am not going to get to smoke, so he never bought another pack and hence he never smoked in his life yet he got lung cancer...tragic as far as I am concerned.

When he was diagnosed I went out and bought five journals...I believed I would fill them with notes, thoughts, reflections and who knows what else...he died in a mere few months and I never even filled one...there was not the time we had hoped for...his cancer was aggressive and unrelenting...it would not stop killing him...it took him with force and never gave him a break...it never gave me a break....we never had a chance.

I have written so much since...in the beginning it was constant...it seemed to be the only way for me to make sense of anything...I did not want to ever forget any of my feelings...I needed to write my thoughts down for fear I would loss something...what I would lose, I really did not know but I wrote.

I don't write nearly like I did...my despair has lessened...who really can continue to live with that kind of intensity? I discovered much about myself and others...I have found comfort in solitude and never been lonely. I have had family and friends lift me up and quite frankly save me from my despair. I learned the apathy of grief is life saving...for me grief lead me not to care about anything...nothing mattered. I wanted to die...it is strange to not care ...yet I did not care to be here living on this earth. I wanted my husband and the only way to get to him was die...when I would wake and he had not come back my thoughts were consumed in dying...but grief in it's mercy if that is how to describe it enveloped me in apathy as the months passed. I did not die and my thoughts at moments of darkness and sorrow turned to having to do something about dying...yet grief's apathy was life saving...the inability to care meant I couldn't even bother to get up and do something about dying...I did not even care about moving...I learned grief really is even life saving...I can think of no other way to describe it other than this.

I have learned I can ramble on and make sense to myself even when I read it back a week later.

Early on I ached to dream about my husband but I could not...dreams never came...I did dream one night that I had started a fund raiser for some sort of treatment to save his life...but when I woke reality once again reared it's ugly head because he was already gone. I became desperate to dream about him...I wondered if he was buried deep within me and if I dreamed of him that would mean I was letting him go and would not get him back...yet I needed to see him...so I turned to the Internet and googled "can't dream about dead husband".

That search lead to a website dedicated to cancer patients and families. I signed on and posted my despair...a woman answered me and said she also ached for these dreams...from that point on I felt normal and not alone...I was never judged, I was allowed to ask questions...still trying to find a cure for my already dead husband...how pathetically sad....yet no one ever judged or questioned me...As time went by I even offered advice to folks who were new to the site...in a spot only weeks before I had been...

This past summer I read a post that was desperately looking for an answer...this woman was reaching out..begging for help...why did her husband die so quickly...she was in pain a pain I understood...so I wrote to her...

We wrote back and forth and learned we were the same age, both nurses and actually shared much more in common. Our relationship has developed over these past months as we have shared our fears, despair, our moving on and just about everything. We even have similar senses of humor so we have had some great laughs over things "lying widows" would only understand. I am thankful for Merrilee and for her generosity of time, understanding, patience, guidance and willingness to share...I would have never met this dear woman if my husband had not died and sometimes I wonder how to rectify my thankfulness at the expense of our loss...we have both expressed this to each other time and time again.

I continue to journal my thoughts and have for some time...I have shared some entries with Merrilee, today with you...If you are someone who has lost a spouse...the blog A Widow's Voice will bring you much insight and hopefully comfort and help you realize you are not alone...that grieving has no time table, no expiration or must use by date...it is individual but as individual as it is...there are those who completely understand and will make you realize you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not silly, you are not taking too long to get over your spouse...this is one thing I have learned for sure...no one and I mean no one understands the lose of a spouse unless they have lost already...it is unimaginable...no one is capable of understanding this...be thankful for that.

I now will share my journal entry for today....

Random Thoughts 11/19/2011

The Buddha said suffering is caused by desire...if we stop desiring then we stop suffering. Is that the evolution of grief? As we move on and further away from the physical being and our ability to imagine the face and the voice of our loved one....our grief and suffering starts to subside...as much as I have begged for Bob to come back he does not...as illogical as that request is...as much as I have cried to the heavens for him to return...he does not...and now I realize as painful as it is...he is not coming back...so my desire ebbs...my requests are no longer directed to the sky...my desire weakens due to the realization and the actual acceptance of reality...and now I cry less, I look forward with no direction but I still look and I no longer feel the rawness of loss...I seem to suffer less...my desires no longer include him. That saddens me...and as I write this I do not sob or weep as I used to, I simply have a single tear slide down my cheek.

Today I seem to reflect more than usual...so many memories have been flooding back lately. Most include Bob, some reach further back to my youth...and so many just make me laugh...a full out loud laugh...a laugh that has been buried so deep within me I thought I may never hear it again. A laugh that may slip out with other people within hearing distance...will they notice she is laughing again...she has her sense of humor back...

My reflections so often turn to the goodness in my life. Maybe it is the fact Thanksgiving is coming up...but the question I always return to as I think is something I have been asking myself for so long...what did I ever do so good to deserve all this...my family, my love affair with Bob, my good life.

Bob's family always said and even recently a dear friend of his said...I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I simply smile and nod...I would love to know what they mean but I don't ask...I wonder what made him different with me...because I knew him for so long before we ever got together and I always thought he was absolutely great! What changed...what made him different with me?

I think further...I have done nothing great or life changing in this life or world of mine. I have not been a leader changing laws for the betterment of all, I have not built a medical camp in some foreign country to take care of starving children, I have not laid my life on the line for my country...I have done nothing. Actually most of us do not do these things...but we do give ourselves to someone else for a moment in time...is this our good deed, our sacrifice...to make another person's life better...do we willfully enter their world so they can leave better...if so...then I will leave better because of Bob...