Cake Decorating Lessons Class One

I am a firm believer one is never too old to learn...so with that said I decided to do something I have always wanted to do...learn how to decorate a cake...THE RIGHT WAY!

Every year I faithfully make one or two New Years resolutions...this year I have vowed to give up swearing and take piano lessons...but after talking to a friend I got side tracked and started the cake decorating lessons before the piano lessons. Glad I did as I am enjoying myself...I have met some wonderful people and learned a lot of new things...doesn't get better than that.

I signed up for a four week course at a local craft store and the classes are given by a woman with so much experience that I am in awe of her talent as well as her dedication to teaching the likes of me!

So I signed up, bought the book, the kit, the frosting, plus other things...WHEW, it takes a lot to get started but hey if you are going to do it do it right!

First weeks assignment - bring in six cookies to decorate...now that is a snap as I can make cookies in the dark and that is where the easy stuff ended.

In the kit is a practice board and this is where those with skill and those without come to the light day. If you think it is easy...think again...fill the icing bag, twist it and then position it correctly in your hand and place it to the board and squeeze...not to hard, not to soft but just right...you want each star to look like the other and have no space in between...YIKES!

So my perfect sugar cookies are now going to be decorated....

Not pretty anymore...between the position of the bag, the correct pressure and keeping your pattern in perspective decorating gets tough...but I did it! For sure practice is required to proceed onto getting it right...

So the following week a cake is required to have for class to be decorate...I must have signed up for the accelerated class...a cake already?

Elizabeth

One Year

Random Thoughts 02/02/2011

Yesterday marked one year since my beloved husband died.

So that day has come and gone...it was a day full of memories and honor...honoring a man I loved with my life not just my heart. I did all the things I hoped to do.

I got up, showered and went to the 8AM mass at St. Bernard's...the church where Bob's funeral was held. While I am not Catholic, I love the quietness and solemn stillness of a mass. It is respectful and subdued, the atmosphere I craved. The priest spoke about of all things...the past...not living in the past but living in the now...for if we live in the past we miss so much of the present...did this guy know I was coming? Did he look out and see something written on my forehead saying...this one needs to hear this...or was it simply I am starting to listen to this kind of thing...oh well, another one of those unanswered questions plopped in my lap...either push it away or listen...I chose to listen.

After I left church, I went to the cemetery with flowers for Bob...after placing them in front of the stone...I simply sat there for so long...what else did I have to do...where else did I have to go? This is where I wanted to be...for one year to the day this is the only place I have wanted to be...with Bob...I would have been happy to have my dead body next to him beneath the frozen soil...my soul soaring with him...yet one year to the day I sat next to this granite stone...waiting...just waiting. For well over a year I have waited...for test and biopsy results. Waiting for good news but only getting bad news which keep getting worse every time someone opened their mouth. Waiting in offices, chemo infusion centers, radiation offices, CT scan rooms, bloodwork labs...waiting for the chemo to work...waiting for Bob to get better but he didn't...I have waited in a line at his wake for everyone to pass by and offer their condolences, I have waited next to his coffin to walk down the church aisle for his funeral and I have waited by his grave as the final words were spoken into the icy air as he was laid to rest...I have waited for one solid year to die...so I could see him again...now I sat next to his grave and I am alive and some strange man in a robe explained to me earlier yesterday morning I am missing out on life...a life I am responsible to cobble back together. No one to make it with...a solitary life I never wanted to live...but there are no signs that I am going to join Bob yet...my blood work is always fantastic, the mammogram came back normal, no new symptoms that may indicate trouble is on the horizon...healthy...how could my other half have been so sick, so gravely ill and his other half be so healthy...I mean really how does that happen?

So after leaving the cemetery...I bought one glazed doughnut...oh how Bob loved a glazed doughnut with a small coffee. After leaving the coffee shop, he would reach into that brown paper bag, extract that sugary treat wrapped in a piece of waxed paper and extend that strong arm over to me placing his beloved doughnut to my mouth for the first bite...I always got the first bite...I could have had my own but never did...but the first bite of his belonged to me. I would take a little bite because I didn't want him to lose too much of his treat! So yesterday I took one bite for me and right next to that I took a bite for him...it was delicious, I had forgotten how good it was. I did this In front of his old shop...which stands empty right now...oh how I loved going in there to see him...standing behind the counter, always smiling when I walked in...I honestly couldn't tell you where anything was in that shop because all I ever saw was him...I can not remember a thing about the interior but him standing there...since the shop is locked and empty I could not go in...so I placed that glazed doughnut with two bites out of it at the door...I wonder what people thought when they walked by and saw it...did they know how many memories they were looking at, did they for a moment realize that that doughnut was filled with sadness, loss, grief and despair...how many grief laden things have I passed by not realizing their significance?

I went to Ryan's Park and went to the bridge where we always threw pennies...three pennies. We initially threw them one for his son, one for a personal wish and one for us....I must confess...my one for us penny wish was always the same...I always wished for a long, happy, healthy life together...always...as time passed we changed our reasons for throwing the first penny but two pennies always remained the same...our personal penny and the "our"penny...the last time we stood on that bridge together was after we found out on that fateful afternoon that Bob had cancer and he was being admitted into the hospital that same evening...we raced to that bridge and threw pennies for his life and for our life...we would have thrown every penny we had if it meant saving his life...yesterday I threw three pennies...one for Bob and other for my Dad...wishing and hoping that they are together, that they have found peace and the much needed rest they both deserve...and the last penny was for me...and I wished for what the priest spoke of in the morning...that I always find comfort in the past but that now I have the strength to live in the present so I do not miss out on something wonderful that may be right in front of me.

Elizabeth

Closure

I hate the word closure...it is meaningless to me....things may bring comfort but closure...really? really!!!!

Closure brings to mind...stuffing something in a drawer or closet...closing the door fast so nothing falls out and turning away scurrying off to live life, muttering "Okay that's over"....how can anyone minimize a loved one to that point? Do they really believe it is that easy? Even more confusing to me...people actually admit to having closure....that is unbelievable to me...if I am to believe them then I am stunned at how superficial they are...while I care not to judge or compare...it does leave me stunned and amazed. If they have closure does that mean they never think about the person again....do they not weep for their loss, do they not look back on sweet memories with joy and thankfulness to have had that person in their life...how in the world does one put a person in a closet and close the door....wipe their hand and move on...I revel in my memories...I weep with my memories...I never want to not do that...there is peace and comfort in both the bitter and the sweet....it is these things that made my life full...never boring...never to be hidden or run from...

Even more interesting is finding out who came up with the thought or concept of closure. Can you imagine who that idiot might be...probably some learned academic who supposedly knows so much more than a lowly widow or parent who has lost a child...it is definitely someone who has never experienced loss or who has lost and can not deal with it.

I realize no one can live forever with the initial intensity of loss but grieving can actually be comforting if you allow yourself to go through it rather than run from it. There is a Pink Floyd song titled Comfortably Numb....I have been comfortably numb for some time now and there really is nothing wrong with it as far as I am concerned. If I had sought out closure I would have missed so much since Bob has died. I am better in so many ways since I have allowed grief to control me...I have let grief take me to the bowels of despair, I have wallowed there, I have been enveloped in sorrow and loss, I have let grief have it's way with me...grief will slowly release it's grasp on you...but you must first let it consume you. If you hastily search for this thing called closure how in the world do you mourn then survive a better person.

I do not claim to know what others feel but the more I talk to others in similar circumstances...it is those who have let grief own them for some time that seem comforted to me, they were never lost just comfortably numb for a while....and closure would not have been a good thing because one can ever close off a loved one and quite frankly really who would want to.

Elizabeth

Thoughts

My husband died on February 1st of this year. He was diagnosed with lung cancer. The first question was always "Did you smoke?" So if he said yes...does that mean he was guilty of doing something horrific and deserved this diagnosis. I feel bad for those who have smoked...it is legal and accepted by our country. Our government wants to control how much salt we eat, how much soda we drink, what our children eat in schools, and even stop the use of Christmas trees but they have yet to ban cigarettes...if smoking is so bad why not ban it?

The unanswerable question for us was why did my husband get lung cancer? He never smoked...never....bought a pack when he was a teenager and everyone borrowed them before he had a chance to smoke one. Being the good hearted guy yet frugal guy he was, he thought why buy them if I am not going to get to smoke, so he never bought another pack and hence he never smoked in his life yet he got lung cancer...tragic as far as I am concerned.

When he was diagnosed I went out and bought five journals...I believed I would fill them with notes, thoughts, reflections and who knows what else...he died in a mere few months and I never even filled one...there was not the time we had hoped for...his cancer was aggressive and unrelenting...it would not stop killing him...it took him with force and never gave him a break...it never gave me a break....we never had a chance.

I have written so much since...in the beginning it was constant...it seemed to be the only way for me to make sense of anything...I did not want to ever forget any of my feelings...I needed to write my thoughts down for fear I would loss something...what I would lose, I really did not know but I wrote.

I don't write nearly like I did...my despair has lessened...who really can continue to live with that kind of intensity? I discovered much about myself and others...I have found comfort in solitude and never been lonely. I have had family and friends lift me up and quite frankly save me from my despair. I learned the apathy of grief is life saving...for me grief lead me not to care about anything...nothing mattered. I wanted to die...it is strange to not care ...yet I did not care to be here living on this earth. I wanted my husband and the only way to get to him was die...when I would wake and he had not come back my thoughts were consumed in dying...but grief in it's mercy if that is how to describe it enveloped me in apathy as the months passed. I did not die and my thoughts at moments of darkness and sorrow turned to having to do something about dying...yet grief's apathy was life saving...the inability to care meant I couldn't even bother to get up and do something about dying...I did not even care about moving...I learned grief really is even life saving...I can think of no other way to describe it other than this.

I have learned I can ramble on and make sense to myself even when I read it back a week later.

Early on I ached to dream about my husband but I could not...dreams never came...I did dream one night that I had started a fund raiser for some sort of treatment to save his life...but when I woke reality once again reared it's ugly head because he was already gone. I became desperate to dream about him...I wondered if he was buried deep within me and if I dreamed of him that would mean I was letting him go and would not get him back...yet I needed to see him...so I turned to the Internet and googled "can't dream about dead husband".

That search lead to a website dedicated to cancer patients and families. I signed on and posted my despair...a woman answered me and said she also ached for these dreams...from that point on I felt normal and not alone...I was never judged, I was allowed to ask questions...still trying to find a cure for my already dead husband...how pathetically sad....yet no one ever judged or questioned me...As time went by I even offered advice to folks who were new to the site...in a spot only weeks before I had been...

This past summer I read a post that was desperately looking for an answer...this woman was reaching out..begging for help...why did her husband die so quickly...she was in pain a pain I understood...so I wrote to her...

We wrote back and forth and learned we were the same age, both nurses and actually shared much more in common. Our relationship has developed over these past months as we have shared our fears, despair, our moving on and just about everything. We even have similar senses of humor so we have had some great laughs over things "lying widows" would only understand. I am thankful for Merrilee and for her generosity of time, understanding, patience, guidance and willingness to share...I would have never met this dear woman if my husband had not died and sometimes I wonder how to rectify my thankfulness at the expense of our loss...we have both expressed this to each other time and time again.

I continue to journal my thoughts and have for some time...I have shared some entries with Merrilee, today with you...If you are someone who has lost a spouse...the blog A Widow's Voice will bring you much insight and hopefully comfort and help you realize you are not alone...that grieving has no time table, no expiration or must use by date...it is individual but as individual as it is...there are those who completely understand and will make you realize you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not silly, you are not taking too long to get over your spouse...this is one thing I have learned for sure...no one and I mean no one understands the lose of a spouse unless they have lost already...it is unimaginable...no one is capable of understanding this...be thankful for that.

I now will share my journal entry for today....

Random Thoughts 11/19/2011

The Buddha said suffering is caused by desire...if we stop desiring then we stop suffering. Is that the evolution of grief? As we move on and further away from the physical being and our ability to imagine the face and the voice of our loved one....our grief and suffering starts to subside...as much as I have begged for Bob to come back he does not...as illogical as that request is...as much as I have cried to the heavens for him to return...he does not...and now I realize as painful as it is...he is not coming back...so my desire ebbs...my requests are no longer directed to the sky...my desire weakens due to the realization and the actual acceptance of reality...and now I cry less, I look forward with no direction but I still look and I no longer feel the rawness of loss...I seem to suffer less...my desires no longer include him. That saddens me...and as I write this I do not sob or weep as I used to, I simply have a single tear slide down my cheek.

Today I seem to reflect more than usual...so many memories have been flooding back lately. Most include Bob, some reach further back to my youth...and so many just make me laugh...a full out loud laugh...a laugh that has been buried so deep within me I thought I may never hear it again. A laugh that may slip out with other people within hearing distance...will they notice she is laughing again...she has her sense of humor back...

My reflections so often turn to the goodness in my life. Maybe it is the fact Thanksgiving is coming up...but the question I always return to as I think is something I have been asking myself for so long...what did I ever do so good to deserve all this...my family, my love affair with Bob, my good life.

Bob's family always said and even recently a dear friend of his said...I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I simply smile and nod...I would love to know what they mean but I don't ask...I wonder what made him different with me...because I knew him for so long before we ever got together and I always thought he was absolutely great! What changed...what made him different with me?

I think further...I have done nothing great or life changing in this life or world of mine. I have not been a leader changing laws for the betterment of all, I have not built a medical camp in some foreign country to take care of starving children, I have not laid my life on the line for my country...I have done nothing. Actually most of us do not do these things...but we do give ourselves to someone else for a moment in time...is this our good deed, our sacrifice...to make another person's life better...do we willfully enter their world so they can leave better...if so...then I will leave better because of Bob...

Dinosaur Kale Chips - YUCK!!!!!

So as I said after making the kale chips I would report back...DISGUSTING!!!!! What a waste of time, olive oil and really nice kale. Sometimes foodies get on a kick, ever notice that? Well I don't know how many kale chip recipes I have seen but they pulled right in hook, line and sinker. I fell for it..healthy alternative, really tasty, sophisticated crunch blah, blah blah...from my point of view the only thing healthy about these chips is the energy I spent walking around the farmers market carrying my overladen basket...oh yeah...I got a good stretch when I bent WAY OVER to throw them in the trash. They had beautiful eye appeal and the presentation was lovely...so crispy and crunchy...better for you than fried...but the flavor PURE YUCK! I tried them on several occasions over a period of days trying to be fair...but I had to be fair to myself as well and when I came to that realization into the trash...I know the compost pile would have been the "proper" place but quite frankly I don't want these chips ever making their way back to me in any form i.e. compost in my garden growing really tasty things! Oh well...complained long enough...the bad is behind me and I move on...

Beautiful dinosaur or tuscan kale.

I cut the very tough tough stalks away from the leaves...

Kale leaves prepped with olive oil, salt and pepper rubbed all over the before going into a 400 degree oven for 30 minutes.

Kale baked to a crisp...

Truly gorgeous presentation...shiny, crisp and looks great just gather and placed into a vase for serving. After this it is all downhill!

The fun part of cooking is trying new things and as we get more experienced over time when just reading a recipe a seasoned cook or baker can know before putting one ingredient on the counter what the results will be...that is why so many of us just love reading cookbooks.

This time I got fooled...big time!!!!!

Elizabeth

The Snappiest Gingersnaps Ever!!!!!

I enjoy a good gingersnap but have never been able to find a recipe till now that gives that heat at the end. Got my latest issue of Cooks Illustrated and there was a recipe for gingersnaps. I love Cooks Illustrated because they put so much work into making a recipe "right". I can attest to that because for a several years I actually tested recipes for this magazine. They take their recipes very seriously. Long before it is published a lot of work and testing goes into making sure there are no problems. The fellow that developed this recipe spent a great deal of time figuring out how to get the tops to crack, get the burn at the end of eating the snap, getting the cookie to that dry crunch so typical of a classic gingersnap and just making a darn good cookie.

Basically it all comes down to the increased amount of baking soda used for the rise, how long the cookies are in the oven, rotating the baking sheets midway through the baking time and most of all...using cayenne pepper for the burn!

After I made the cookies the cayenne was in fact what has always been lacking in all recipes. Rotating baking sheets did indeed play a crucial roll, you just have to do as author dictates and you are insured a perfect gingersnap. A timer is necessary or you can a little mixed up...

Very easy recipe can be found in the current issue of Cooks Illustrated. Melt butter in skillet...and meanwhile get your mise en place in order...this guarantees no errors...

Place butter in bowl with eggs, molasses and add flour, spices and leavening. This recipe calls for lots of ginger, cinnamon, cloves and cayenne!

Blend till all ingredients are moist.

Cover and chill. This makes a very very wet dough...you will wonder how in the world will I make a dough ball...but...it works...trust the guy who put in all the hours developing this recipe!

After chilled, with cookie scoop make your cookie balls...this recipe makes 80 cookies...

so scoop scoop scoop!

While cookies are in oven...I made more balls and kept them on the parchment paper, so an easy transfer was possible.

Voila! Wonderful gingersnap cookies with the traditional cracked top, snappy and crunchy and most important the burn at the end!

So grab some milk or "a cuppa" and enjoy!

Elizabeth

A Morning in Rhode Island

I woke early as usual...and thought what a great morning to walk The Wall. If you live in Rhode Island and especially the South County area of our state you know immediately where The Wall is. It is like saying I am going to The Block...Block Island of course! The Wall is in Narragansett...it starts or finishes at the light by Narragansett Town Beach and extends past the Towers, Coast Guard house and continues up to the fishing pier...most walkers start at one end turn around and go back to where they started...I have no clue how long the walk is but it is a good one! Many mornings I swim laps at the gym in the cold months or warmer weather I'll swim in the pond but this morning The Wall beckoned. I knew I would be there before the sunrise so this made it a real treat. When I got there people were already there with cameras on tripods to capture "Ole Sol". As the sun rises almost everyone stops and watches it and many pull out camera or their phone and start clicking away...it really is amazing to see everyone pause for the sun...me included. What adds to the beauty are the waves that lick the rocks...at low tide gentle and forgiving but at high tide more stern and if a storm is churning out to sea...sometimes a rain coat is needed as the heavy spray can drench you.

This morning the tide was low and the smell of salt just permeated the air...it was a perfect morning at The Wall...

Up comes the sun. It looks like it is completely exposed but the lower half is actually a reflection of the upper half on the ocean at the horizon. WOW!

The sun's reflection on the rocks below the wall.

The wall as the sun rises...actually this is just part of the wall...looking toward the fishing Pier.

The sun on the Coast Guard House a well know and much loved restaurant. When hurricanes come in every window is covered with plywood and then it is the storm against the CG House...so far the CG House wins! Don't you just love the anchor carved into the stone.

The sun on The Towers...also constructed of stone. Weddings and parties are held on the upper floor...what a wonderful building and landmark.

The sun a little higher in the sky.

The Newport bridge as seen from Narragansett.

Someone climbed over the wall and went down onto the rocks and built a cairn...actually there were many of these rock formations down there...wonder how many survive high tide?

After my walk I went over to Jamestown and went onto Beavertail....love it here as well...This is the lighthouse at the point of the peninsula.

This fellow was off and running to somewhere...fishing I suppose.

The rocks on the west side of Beavertail...water very calm. In the distance is that boat..he sure is making time!

Fort Wetherall...GORGEOUS...need to say nothing else.

View from Fort Wetherall to Castle Hill...the Inn is to the left of this picture on the hill. We have gone there for Thanksgiving for years. What a meal...what a property!

A closer view of the Castle Hill Lighthouse.

Then onto The Dumplings...a cove that has small formations of rock that project out of the water...hence the name...There are wonderful homes in the quiet area as well as a marina. Can you see the house on the distance?

A wonderful old home built on one of the rocks...The house is called "Clingstone" which is so appropriate. This home is often featured in magazines and newspapers because it is so unique. It is privately owned and the family takes good care of this treasure and gathers here for wonderful get togethers.

A closer view of the Newport Bridge...decided to head home this morning...though I really could have gone over this bridge and gone to more of my favorite places.

I love Rhode Island!!!!!

Elizabeth