Peaceful Foggy Morning

I woke this morning to a world that was foggy and devoid of any brightness...everything looked as though I was seeing it through a veil...it was absolutely divine.

I waited a bit then grabbed my camera before the sun decided to break through and started snapping photos. Enjoy this morning with me as I strolled over to the island...before grabbing the newspaper and returning to reality!

The narrow road over....

Within minutes the sun started to break through and change everything...

A forsythia bud plumping up to burst forth in a yellow brilliance...

Can you see the spider web? It is actually just a line rather than the usual "Charlotte's Web" web...there were these web lines everywhere...not one formation just strings some extremely long also! Very interesting...was it that this is what spiders do this time of year or was it they did this due to the fog?

So much moss has grown over the winter...must be due to the warm winter we had...most is cushion moss and hair cap moss....

Down to the water...hard having to wait to jump in for the first swim of the year! My friend, Ray Gandy on the other side of the pond is probably already swimming in the pond every morning...he swam the English Channel two summers ago so he can stand the cold water...this year he plans to do an English Channel double...YIKES!!!!!

This tree was planted by a friend in memory of my Dad who passed away last July...what a lovely tribute and gift. I am so pleased it survived the winter.

We did not have much snow but did have lots of wind...so many branches and dead wood everywhere...I have started making piles to be taken to the campfire location...we won't be short on kindling this year...

Real estate remains available as it looks like no one has taken up residence yet.

The sky is brightening...

Before you know it, I will be spending more time in the day cabin than the "big house". YIPPEE!!!!!

Going back home was very hard this morning...but a girl has to do what she has to do.

Elizabeth

Cake Decorating Class Four - GRADUATION!

Week four already! Another cake required for class...so I baked this one without a problem...frosted it like I knew what I was doing. I picked out a design I liked and saw little dropped flowers were required so I got those done also...something in the back of my inexperienced mind told me these little flowers were not what I should have made but I did them anyway...at least I got some practice.

Cake and dropped flowers...

Aren't they adorable?!

So this week we learned to make roses...this was intense! Also learned how to write on a cake...my penmanship is not the best and then add writing with frosting in a bag requiring one apply just the correct pressure and I give myself a "D" in this area...at least it could be read...

My roses had a bit of a ruffled edge because my tip needs to be opened a bit...my question here is...these tips are made in Korea...why the heck don't they make them right? How is a beginner suppose to know a tip must be adjusted...oh well...lesson learned...

So I made a lot of roses and applied them to my cake...added some leaves and lines and dots for added eye appeal...

Since I was once again gifting my cake to the guys at the car dealership via my neighbor....I used my writing techniques to thank them for the lottery ticket they bought me after the first cake...

My cake on the left and the look I was trying to achieve out of our lesson book on the right...you will notice no dropped flowers used...that nagging thought I had initially was right...I couldn't get them off the board to the cake...oh well...since I now knew how to apply a shell border...I did that instead...pretty cool!

Tonight was our last class and we all were awarded our certificates...we all passed...a lot of signed up for the next series of classes...I am a cake decorating sophomore now!

Oh by the way, this time the fellows who received my graduation cake bought me another "thank you" lottery ticket but this time they doubled my chances...I had ten shots at the big money! If I win this time...I can open a chain of bakeries!!!!!

Elizabeth

Cake Decorating Class Three

So the third week of class we had to bring six cupcakes in...so baked a batch without a snag!

Packed up my bag and cupcakes and off I went.

Nice little batch of cupcakes from a box mix...

We needed to bring in different colored icing, so whipped up a batch of icing and tinted it with the colors I wanted to use.

This week we learned to make a simple drop flower, then we learned by a simple twist of the wrist a swirled flower was produced and then we learned how to make a little swirl that is perfect for a birthday cake to stick the candles in..I really like this opposed to those little plastic candle holders.

Then we practiced making a shell border...this made me feel like I was really getting somewhere...
Next leaves on the practice board....liking this also!

WOW...now we used a rose nail to make a flower...feeling pretty good here!

Lots of steps to produce a flower...

The girl who sits next to me is very talented...her flower came out perfect...so so pretty!

My creations on the other hand remain in need of practice...but I am not giving up...

Then I applied all the things I have learned and proceeded to decorate my cupcakes...these two turned out looking like hydrangeas to me...this was by chance, not intentional...but still gorgeous!

So 24 decorated cupcakes...in the past they simply would have been frosted and maybe some little sprinkles added but now I can make swirls and flowers! I feel like I am making some progress...YEA!!!!!

Elizabeth

Cake Decorating Class Two

The second week of Cake Decorating required we bring in a cake. Our instructor, Sue said she prefers to make a box cake in an 8"x 3" pan and then torte it...new terminology for me here...torte. That means to cut the cake horizontally in layers. So who am I to question Sue's experience. I bought the pan, the strips to wrap around the pan to keep the cake level while baking and a Duncan Hines cake mix. I have not made a box cake in a zillion years...so my experience here was lacking. Also being a bit of a know it all, I mixed the cake put it in the pan, popped it in the oven and then the light bulb went off...I forgot the cloth band around the pan...cake out of the oven, band on and cake back in...oh oh...just read the instructions...band must be wet...cake out, band soaked, reapplied, cake back in oven...then I read the temperature with the band in use must be at 350 degrees...not the 375 degrees as on the box. Great...this is not going well...so I reduce the temperature. Probably should have read the directions first...oh well...now the cake bakes...then I realize I forgot how long to bake the cake in one pan opposed to two pans...plus I didn't have large eggs...my eggs come from my niece who raises chickens and they are much bigger. How could making a boxed cake be so difficult?! But I am no quitter so I march on....

So the cake is baked with a jumbo hole in the center...but I decide I'll fill it something and hide the hole with frosting! Ha ha...got the hole covered! So I bought a cake saw and I torte the cake like a semi- pro.

I use a lemon curd I made to fill the layers and the HOLE!

Not to shabby...looks pretty good to me.

Gotta love the big glob of frosting covering up the hole....

Now I ice the cake and voila...the hole is no longer.

I used this jumbo tip to frost the sides of the cake...love it! Fast and easy...I am liking this!

Another thing I have learned is...making frosting is very messy. This whole cake decorating thing is very different from other areas of baking...the sugar is flying, the greasy Crisco is in a world of it's own and I am baffled as to why I can't seem to get a grip on keeping things neat.

My bag half packed for class...a lot of "stuff" is needed to get things done.

So I make it to my second class and ready to roll. Tonight on the practice board we learn to make dots and also drag a dot...once again pressure and control rule....

We then learn to use piping gel to outline a picture and transfer it to the top of the iced cake so it can be filled in with colored frosting.

So I finish the cake with dots and dots that I drag and look at my finished project...not to bad for a beginner...

I take my cake home and give it to my neighbor to take to work...as he works with a gang of men. He told me they loved the cake...they ate through the hole and never knew it was there!

They even bought me a lottery ticket as a thank you...hey if I win...maybe I'll open a bakery!

Elizabeth

Cake Decorating Lessons Class One

I am a firm believer one is never too old to learn...so with that said I decided to do something I have always wanted to do...learn how to decorate a cake...THE RIGHT WAY!

Every year I faithfully make one or two New Years resolutions...this year I have vowed to give up swearing and take piano lessons...but after talking to a friend I got side tracked and started the cake decorating lessons before the piano lessons. Glad I did as I am enjoying myself...I have met some wonderful people and learned a lot of new things...doesn't get better than that.

I signed up for a four week course at a local craft store and the classes are given by a woman with so much experience that I am in awe of her talent as well as her dedication to teaching the likes of me!

So I signed up, bought the book, the kit, the frosting, plus other things...WHEW, it takes a lot to get started but hey if you are going to do it do it right!

First weeks assignment - bring in six cookies to decorate...now that is a snap as I can make cookies in the dark and that is where the easy stuff ended.

In the kit is a practice board and this is where those with skill and those without come to the light day. If you think it is easy...think again...fill the icing bag, twist it and then position it correctly in your hand and place it to the board and squeeze...not to hard, not to soft but just right...you want each star to look like the other and have no space in between...YIKES!

So my perfect sugar cookies are now going to be decorated....

Not pretty anymore...between the position of the bag, the correct pressure and keeping your pattern in perspective decorating gets tough...but I did it! For sure practice is required to proceed onto getting it right...

So the following week a cake is required to have for class to be decorate...I must have signed up for the accelerated class...a cake already?

Elizabeth

One Year

Random Thoughts 02/02/2011

Yesterday marked one year since my beloved husband died.

So that day has come and gone...it was a day full of memories and honor...honoring a man I loved with my life not just my heart. I did all the things I hoped to do.

I got up, showered and went to the 8AM mass at St. Bernard's...the church where Bob's funeral was held. While I am not Catholic, I love the quietness and solemn stillness of a mass. It is respectful and subdued, the atmosphere I craved. The priest spoke about of all things...the past...not living in the past but living in the now...for if we live in the past we miss so much of the present...did this guy know I was coming? Did he look out and see something written on my forehead saying...this one needs to hear this...or was it simply I am starting to listen to this kind of thing...oh well, another one of those unanswered questions plopped in my lap...either push it away or listen...I chose to listen.

After I left church, I went to the cemetery with flowers for Bob...after placing them in front of the stone...I simply sat there for so long...what else did I have to do...where else did I have to go? This is where I wanted to be...for one year to the day this is the only place I have wanted to be...with Bob...I would have been happy to have my dead body next to him beneath the frozen soil...my soul soaring with him...yet one year to the day I sat next to this granite stone...waiting...just waiting. For well over a year I have waited...for test and biopsy results. Waiting for good news but only getting bad news which keep getting worse every time someone opened their mouth. Waiting in offices, chemo infusion centers, radiation offices, CT scan rooms, bloodwork labs...waiting for the chemo to work...waiting for Bob to get better but he didn't...I have waited in a line at his wake for everyone to pass by and offer their condolences, I have waited next to his coffin to walk down the church aisle for his funeral and I have waited by his grave as the final words were spoken into the icy air as he was laid to rest...I have waited for one solid year to die...so I could see him again...now I sat next to his grave and I am alive and some strange man in a robe explained to me earlier yesterday morning I am missing out on life...a life I am responsible to cobble back together. No one to make it with...a solitary life I never wanted to live...but there are no signs that I am going to join Bob yet...my blood work is always fantastic, the mammogram came back normal, no new symptoms that may indicate trouble is on the horizon...healthy...how could my other half have been so sick, so gravely ill and his other half be so healthy...I mean really how does that happen?

So after leaving the cemetery...I bought one glazed doughnut...oh how Bob loved a glazed doughnut with a small coffee. After leaving the coffee shop, he would reach into that brown paper bag, extract that sugary treat wrapped in a piece of waxed paper and extend that strong arm over to me placing his beloved doughnut to my mouth for the first bite...I always got the first bite...I could have had my own but never did...but the first bite of his belonged to me. I would take a little bite because I didn't want him to lose too much of his treat! So yesterday I took one bite for me and right next to that I took a bite for him...it was delicious, I had forgotten how good it was. I did this In front of his old shop...which stands empty right now...oh how I loved going in there to see him...standing behind the counter, always smiling when I walked in...I honestly couldn't tell you where anything was in that shop because all I ever saw was him...I can not remember a thing about the interior but him standing there...since the shop is locked and empty I could not go in...so I placed that glazed doughnut with two bites out of it at the door...I wonder what people thought when they walked by and saw it...did they know how many memories they were looking at, did they for a moment realize that that doughnut was filled with sadness, loss, grief and despair...how many grief laden things have I passed by not realizing their significance?

I went to Ryan's Park and went to the bridge where we always threw pennies...three pennies. We initially threw them one for his son, one for a personal wish and one for us....I must confess...my one for us penny wish was always the same...I always wished for a long, happy, healthy life together...always...as time passed we changed our reasons for throwing the first penny but two pennies always remained the same...our personal penny and the "our"penny...the last time we stood on that bridge together was after we found out on that fateful afternoon that Bob had cancer and he was being admitted into the hospital that same evening...we raced to that bridge and threw pennies for his life and for our life...we would have thrown every penny we had if it meant saving his life...yesterday I threw three pennies...one for Bob and other for my Dad...wishing and hoping that they are together, that they have found peace and the much needed rest they both deserve...and the last penny was for me...and I wished for what the priest spoke of in the morning...that I always find comfort in the past but that now I have the strength to live in the present so I do not miss out on something wonderful that may be right in front of me.

Elizabeth

Closure

I hate the word closure...it is meaningless to me....things may bring comfort but closure...really? really!!!!

Closure brings to mind...stuffing something in a drawer or closet...closing the door fast so nothing falls out and turning away scurrying off to live life, muttering "Okay that's over"....how can anyone minimize a loved one to that point? Do they really believe it is that easy? Even more confusing to me...people actually admit to having closure....that is unbelievable to me...if I am to believe them then I am stunned at how superficial they are...while I care not to judge or compare...it does leave me stunned and amazed. If they have closure does that mean they never think about the person again....do they not weep for their loss, do they not look back on sweet memories with joy and thankfulness to have had that person in their life...how in the world does one put a person in a closet and close the door....wipe their hand and move on...I revel in my memories...I weep with my memories...I never want to not do that...there is peace and comfort in both the bitter and the sweet....it is these things that made my life full...never boring...never to be hidden or run from...

Even more interesting is finding out who came up with the thought or concept of closure. Can you imagine who that idiot might be...probably some learned academic who supposedly knows so much more than a lowly widow or parent who has lost a child...it is definitely someone who has never experienced loss or who has lost and can not deal with it.

I realize no one can live forever with the initial intensity of loss but grieving can actually be comforting if you allow yourself to go through it rather than run from it. There is a Pink Floyd song titled Comfortably Numb....I have been comfortably numb for some time now and there really is nothing wrong with it as far as I am concerned. If I had sought out closure I would have missed so much since Bob has died. I am better in so many ways since I have allowed grief to control me...I have let grief take me to the bowels of despair, I have wallowed there, I have been enveloped in sorrow and loss, I have let grief have it's way with me...grief will slowly release it's grasp on you...but you must first let it consume you. If you hastily search for this thing called closure how in the world do you mourn then survive a better person.

I do not claim to know what others feel but the more I talk to others in similar circumstances...it is those who have let grief own them for some time that seem comforted to me, they were never lost just comfortably numb for a while....and closure would not have been a good thing because one can ever close off a loved one and quite frankly really who would want to.

Elizabeth