Thoughts

My husband died on February 1st of this year. He was diagnosed with lung cancer. The first question was always "Did you smoke?" So if he said yes...does that mean he was guilty of doing something horrific and deserved this diagnosis. I feel bad for those who have smoked...it is legal and accepted by our country. Our government wants to control how much salt we eat, how much soda we drink, what our children eat in schools, and even stop the use of Christmas trees but they have yet to ban cigarettes...if smoking is so bad why not ban it?

The unanswerable question for us was why did my husband get lung cancer? He never smoked...never....bought a pack when he was a teenager and everyone borrowed them before he had a chance to smoke one. Being the good hearted guy yet frugal guy he was, he thought why buy them if I am not going to get to smoke, so he never bought another pack and hence he never smoked in his life yet he got lung cancer...tragic as far as I am concerned.

When he was diagnosed I went out and bought five journals...I believed I would fill them with notes, thoughts, reflections and who knows what else...he died in a mere few months and I never even filled one...there was not the time we had hoped for...his cancer was aggressive and unrelenting...it would not stop killing him...it took him with force and never gave him a break...it never gave me a break....we never had a chance.

I have written so much since...in the beginning it was constant...it seemed to be the only way for me to make sense of anything...I did not want to ever forget any of my feelings...I needed to write my thoughts down for fear I would loss something...what I would lose, I really did not know but I wrote.

I don't write nearly like I did...my despair has lessened...who really can continue to live with that kind of intensity? I discovered much about myself and others...I have found comfort in solitude and never been lonely. I have had family and friends lift me up and quite frankly save me from my despair. I learned the apathy of grief is life saving...for me grief lead me not to care about anything...nothing mattered. I wanted to die...it is strange to not care ...yet I did not care to be here living on this earth. I wanted my husband and the only way to get to him was die...when I would wake and he had not come back my thoughts were consumed in dying...but grief in it's mercy if that is how to describe it enveloped me in apathy as the months passed. I did not die and my thoughts at moments of darkness and sorrow turned to having to do something about dying...yet grief's apathy was life saving...the inability to care meant I couldn't even bother to get up and do something about dying...I did not even care about moving...I learned grief really is even life saving...I can think of no other way to describe it other than this.

I have learned I can ramble on and make sense to myself even when I read it back a week later.

Early on I ached to dream about my husband but I could not...dreams never came...I did dream one night that I had started a fund raiser for some sort of treatment to save his life...but when I woke reality once again reared it's ugly head because he was already gone. I became desperate to dream about him...I wondered if he was buried deep within me and if I dreamed of him that would mean I was letting him go and would not get him back...yet I needed to see him...so I turned to the Internet and googled "can't dream about dead husband".

That search lead to a website dedicated to cancer patients and families. I signed on and posted my despair...a woman answered me and said she also ached for these dreams...from that point on I felt normal and not alone...I was never judged, I was allowed to ask questions...still trying to find a cure for my already dead husband...how pathetically sad....yet no one ever judged or questioned me...As time went by I even offered advice to folks who were new to the site...in a spot only weeks before I had been...

This past summer I read a post that was desperately looking for an answer...this woman was reaching out..begging for help...why did her husband die so quickly...she was in pain a pain I understood...so I wrote to her...

We wrote back and forth and learned we were the same age, both nurses and actually shared much more in common. Our relationship has developed over these past months as we have shared our fears, despair, our moving on and just about everything. We even have similar senses of humor so we have had some great laughs over things "lying widows" would only understand. I am thankful for Merrilee and for her generosity of time, understanding, patience, guidance and willingness to share...I would have never met this dear woman if my husband had not died and sometimes I wonder how to rectify my thankfulness at the expense of our loss...we have both expressed this to each other time and time again.

I continue to journal my thoughts and have for some time...I have shared some entries with Merrilee, today with you...If you are someone who has lost a spouse...the blog A Widow's Voice will bring you much insight and hopefully comfort and help you realize you are not alone...that grieving has no time table, no expiration or must use by date...it is individual but as individual as it is...there are those who completely understand and will make you realize you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not silly, you are not taking too long to get over your spouse...this is one thing I have learned for sure...no one and I mean no one understands the lose of a spouse unless they have lost already...it is unimaginable...no one is capable of understanding this...be thankful for that.

I now will share my journal entry for today....

Random Thoughts 11/19/2011

The Buddha said suffering is caused by desire...if we stop desiring then we stop suffering. Is that the evolution of grief? As we move on and further away from the physical being and our ability to imagine the face and the voice of our loved one....our grief and suffering starts to subside...as much as I have begged for Bob to come back he does not...as illogical as that request is...as much as I have cried to the heavens for him to return...he does not...and now I realize as painful as it is...he is not coming back...so my desire ebbs...my requests are no longer directed to the sky...my desire weakens due to the realization and the actual acceptance of reality...and now I cry less, I look forward with no direction but I still look and I no longer feel the rawness of loss...I seem to suffer less...my desires no longer include him. That saddens me...and as I write this I do not sob or weep as I used to, I simply have a single tear slide down my cheek.

Today I seem to reflect more than usual...so many memories have been flooding back lately. Most include Bob, some reach further back to my youth...and so many just make me laugh...a full out loud laugh...a laugh that has been buried so deep within me I thought I may never hear it again. A laugh that may slip out with other people within hearing distance...will they notice she is laughing again...she has her sense of humor back...

My reflections so often turn to the goodness in my life. Maybe it is the fact Thanksgiving is coming up...but the question I always return to as I think is something I have been asking myself for so long...what did I ever do so good to deserve all this...my family, my love affair with Bob, my good life.

Bob's family always said and even recently a dear friend of his said...I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I simply smile and nod...I would love to know what they mean but I don't ask...I wonder what made him different with me...because I knew him for so long before we ever got together and I always thought he was absolutely great! What changed...what made him different with me?

I think further...I have done nothing great or life changing in this life or world of mine. I have not been a leader changing laws for the betterment of all, I have not built a medical camp in some foreign country to take care of starving children, I have not laid my life on the line for my country...I have done nothing. Actually most of us do not do these things...but we do give ourselves to someone else for a moment in time...is this our good deed, our sacrifice...to make another person's life better...do we willfully enter their world so they can leave better...if so...then I will leave better because of Bob...

Dinosaur Kale Chips - YUCK!!!!!

So as I said after making the kale chips I would report back...DISGUSTING!!!!! What a waste of time, olive oil and really nice kale. Sometimes foodies get on a kick, ever notice that? Well I don't know how many kale chip recipes I have seen but they pulled right in hook, line and sinker. I fell for it..healthy alternative, really tasty, sophisticated crunch blah, blah blah...from my point of view the only thing healthy about these chips is the energy I spent walking around the farmers market carrying my overladen basket...oh yeah...I got a good stretch when I bent WAY OVER to throw them in the trash. They had beautiful eye appeal and the presentation was lovely...so crispy and crunchy...better for you than fried...but the flavor PURE YUCK! I tried them on several occasions over a period of days trying to be fair...but I had to be fair to myself as well and when I came to that realization into the trash...I know the compost pile would have been the "proper" place but quite frankly I don't want these chips ever making their way back to me in any form i.e. compost in my garden growing really tasty things! Oh well...complained long enough...the bad is behind me and I move on...

Beautiful dinosaur or tuscan kale.

I cut the very tough tough stalks away from the leaves...

Kale leaves prepped with olive oil, salt and pepper rubbed all over the before going into a 400 degree oven for 30 minutes.

Kale baked to a crisp...

Truly gorgeous presentation...shiny, crisp and looks great just gather and placed into a vase for serving. After this it is all downhill!

The fun part of cooking is trying new things and as we get more experienced over time when just reading a recipe a seasoned cook or baker can know before putting one ingredient on the counter what the results will be...that is why so many of us just love reading cookbooks.

This time I got fooled...big time!!!!!

Elizabeth

The Snappiest Gingersnaps Ever!!!!!

I enjoy a good gingersnap but have never been able to find a recipe till now that gives that heat at the end. Got my latest issue of Cooks Illustrated and there was a recipe for gingersnaps. I love Cooks Illustrated because they put so much work into making a recipe "right". I can attest to that because for a several years I actually tested recipes for this magazine. They take their recipes very seriously. Long before it is published a lot of work and testing goes into making sure there are no problems. The fellow that developed this recipe spent a great deal of time figuring out how to get the tops to crack, get the burn at the end of eating the snap, getting the cookie to that dry crunch so typical of a classic gingersnap and just making a darn good cookie.

Basically it all comes down to the increased amount of baking soda used for the rise, how long the cookies are in the oven, rotating the baking sheets midway through the baking time and most of all...using cayenne pepper for the burn!

After I made the cookies the cayenne was in fact what has always been lacking in all recipes. Rotating baking sheets did indeed play a crucial roll, you just have to do as author dictates and you are insured a perfect gingersnap. A timer is necessary or you can a little mixed up...

Very easy recipe can be found in the current issue of Cooks Illustrated. Melt butter in skillet...and meanwhile get your mise en place in order...this guarantees no errors...

Place butter in bowl with eggs, molasses and add flour, spices and leavening. This recipe calls for lots of ginger, cinnamon, cloves and cayenne!

Blend till all ingredients are moist.

Cover and chill. This makes a very very wet dough...you will wonder how in the world will I make a dough ball...but...it works...trust the guy who put in all the hours developing this recipe!

After chilled, with cookie scoop make your cookie balls...this recipe makes 80 cookies...

so scoop scoop scoop!

While cookies are in oven...I made more balls and kept them on the parchment paper, so an easy transfer was possible.

Voila! Wonderful gingersnap cookies with the traditional cracked top, snappy and crunchy and most important the burn at the end!

So grab some milk or "a cuppa" and enjoy!

Elizabeth

A Morning in Rhode Island

I woke early as usual...and thought what a great morning to walk The Wall. If you live in Rhode Island and especially the South County area of our state you know immediately where The Wall is. It is like saying I am going to The Block...Block Island of course! The Wall is in Narragansett...it starts or finishes at the light by Narragansett Town Beach and extends past the Towers, Coast Guard house and continues up to the fishing pier...most walkers start at one end turn around and go back to where they started...I have no clue how long the walk is but it is a good one! Many mornings I swim laps at the gym in the cold months or warmer weather I'll swim in the pond but this morning The Wall beckoned. I knew I would be there before the sunrise so this made it a real treat. When I got there people were already there with cameras on tripods to capture "Ole Sol". As the sun rises almost everyone stops and watches it and many pull out camera or their phone and start clicking away...it really is amazing to see everyone pause for the sun...me included. What adds to the beauty are the waves that lick the rocks...at low tide gentle and forgiving but at high tide more stern and if a storm is churning out to sea...sometimes a rain coat is needed as the heavy spray can drench you.

This morning the tide was low and the smell of salt just permeated the air...it was a perfect morning at The Wall...

Up comes the sun. It looks like it is completely exposed but the lower half is actually a reflection of the upper half on the ocean at the horizon. WOW!

The sun's reflection on the rocks below the wall.

The wall as the sun rises...actually this is just part of the wall...looking toward the fishing Pier.

The sun on the Coast Guard House a well know and much loved restaurant. When hurricanes come in every window is covered with plywood and then it is the storm against the CG House...so far the CG House wins! Don't you just love the anchor carved into the stone.

The sun on The Towers...also constructed of stone. Weddings and parties are held on the upper floor...what a wonderful building and landmark.

The sun a little higher in the sky.

The Newport bridge as seen from Narragansett.

Someone climbed over the wall and went down onto the rocks and built a cairn...actually there were many of these rock formations down there...wonder how many survive high tide?

After my walk I went over to Jamestown and went onto Beavertail....love it here as well...This is the lighthouse at the point of the peninsula.

This fellow was off and running to somewhere...fishing I suppose.

The rocks on the west side of Beavertail...water very calm. In the distance is that boat..he sure is making time!

Fort Wetherall...GORGEOUS...need to say nothing else.

View from Fort Wetherall to Castle Hill...the Inn is to the left of this picture on the hill. We have gone there for Thanksgiving for years. What a meal...what a property!

A closer view of the Castle Hill Lighthouse.

Then onto The Dumplings...a cove that has small formations of rock that project out of the water...hence the name...There are wonderful homes in the quiet area as well as a marina. Can you see the house on the distance?

A wonderful old home built on one of the rocks...The house is called "Clingstone" which is so appropriate. This home is often featured in magazines and newspapers because it is so unique. It is privately owned and the family takes good care of this treasure and gathers here for wonderful get togethers.

A closer view of the Newport Bridge...decided to head home this morning...though I really could have gone over this bridge and gone to more of my favorite places.

I love Rhode Island!!!!!

Elizabeth