Our Life On the Pond: Anniversary

Today Bob and I would have been married 17 years...no celebration and quite frankly probably no one remembers but me...and that is okay...life goes on...for all of us....how many people's significant days have I missed or forgotten or not thought was important anymore...yet for that person it was still precious.

The house is on the market...the house I moved to and innocently thought I would be here with Bob or somewhere with him till I died...he is gone and now I prep the house for selling. The hallway where dozens and dozens of photos hung chronicling our life is now empty of those photos...the nail holes are filled in and the walls are painted...there is no trace of any of our history there any longer. It is as if it never existed.

I signed the papers to put the house on the market almost two weeks ago with a practical attitude but I was hanging on by my fingertips to keep myself composed...Bob was so proud of this place...he worked so hard to get here and here I am just signing to sell it. It was so so hard to do...I must, it is way to big for me and financially it makes sense...but the emotional part is almost too hard to bear. I can not talk about it...I actually don't want to talk about anything till I can make some sort of sense of this. This is mine to bear...no one else's. I now understand what people mean when they speak about not wanting to move because of memories...I never did...I didn't get it but I sure do now.

What makes it even sadder for me is going to the new house alone and no Bob to talk about the past...everyone moves forward as it should be. The saving grace for many is their partner is with them on these grand transitions...someone to talk in the middle of night about the past and hopeful future.

Tomorrow the island goes on the market...where we got married. I told the real estate agent the island could't go till after today...I didn't tell him why...none of his business really. I suppose I was being sentimental and quite frankly I am glad I am...I have not hardened up completely. I know Bob would be honored by this small gesture...he liked symbolism more than me.

I wrote this following just before calling the real estate agent...had it in the queue to post and forgot...still feel the same way...

Soon our house goes on the market...someone recently said after it sells you should take a trip...when writing my random thoughts this was all I could think of -

There isn't a trip or vacation in the world that will stop me from aching or missing you.

It is an impossibility to be distracted from your loss.

To change my attitude would seem as if I would be minimizing your existence. To reach a point where I say you were a chapter in my life not the book would cause me shame.

I just want you. I don't know how to stop. I suppose it's because I don't want to stop. You were everything to me.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to find a space in me that doesn't belong to you. A place they can grow in...a place that will overpower you.

When I die I hope there is a spot on my death certificate under cause to check broken heart.

So another piece is going...not much more for me to give up...so much gone...